The Giants in London

Ok... I have NEVER seen such a lackluster game as the one being played between the Dolphins and my G-men in London. I mean holy crap.
It's such a trip to see the crowd too. Football crowds are crazy, but this game... the crowd is mostly sitting and the English are staring at the "normal" fans. I do believe that American football best stay in America. LOL.
Wow.
This is painful.

Revisiting an old tradition

Ok guys and gals... this weekend I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time: a social study.
I'm going to go to a thrift store, take horrible camera phone pictures of strange things and write on each of them.
Please. Comments will be appreciated. Stay tuned for Social Study Halloweener Style.

Just here

Hello everyone. I know I haven't written lately, but honestly I haven't had anything to say. When my muse comes back, i'll jump back online.

10.12.07

I had a very stark realization about myself tonight. I'm the type of person people easily forget. I was talking with some friends about how I'm always that girl in the group that has to be introduced about 5 times before someone remembers me. Why? I don't do anything crazy, obnoxious, flamboyant... I'm very non-descript. I'm the woman in the corner, the one in the shadows... I'm ile.
I can't change who I am, nor do I want to. I have friends tell me I'm a great, good, amazing, wonderful, etc person, but I'm never the one others want to get to know better. Make sense? Why? Am I too normal? Am I too depressing? What do I need to do to make myself more of a people pleaser? Will I have to wait until someone develops the brain transplant?
Maybe if I was born 2000 years in the future I would be ile, the woman you meet that one time with the beautiful body, charming smile and crowd-pleasing appeal.
Sigh. I guess it's nice to dream. Goodnight friends.
Love you.

10/07/07 A day in history

Tonight I was sitting on the chair watching the Bears beat the Packers. I lifted Rikki up (expecting to shed some blood), placed him in my lap and waited for him to do something.
He layed down against me. I was astonished. Rikki is almost 10 years old. Never has he sat in my lap and just let me pet him. Never before has he fallen asleep on my lap.
Needless to say this made me really happy. Thank God for the little things.

Reggie Rocks!

Ok the quality sucks, but Reggie was being so adorable while Rob was making the bed one night that I had to snap a picture.

Saturday Night

The other night Rob came over to drop off a package I received at work on my day off. He said something about the way he and I live. He was thinking about getting rid of his couch and just putting a recliner in his front room. Then he said that it's no wonder we're always feeling alone. Then he turned around and pointed at my living room area. Indeed what did I have? A lounge chair with an ottoman. Seating for one. Something clicked in my head at that point. Rob is right.
Tonight I didn't go out. First because I am a little under the weather, and second because I'll be going out tomorrow to watch football with the ladies. Wait. I did go out. I showered, dressed, put on make up and did my hair to go to the grocery store. On a Saturday when men and women are out enjoying fermented brew I'm hanging out in the cheese aisle of the Safeway.


I took a close look at where I was standing. Nobody was in the aisle, and I had one of those tiny shopping carts with one thing in it: buffalo wings from the deli for dinner. Walking slowly down the aisles I picked up things that I wanted or needed.
Eventually I got to the last row which is the "spirits" aisle. I contemplated buying wine that I know would give me a headache.


Well maybe I could be like coworkers or friends of mine that can go home and have a glass of wine after work. Hmm. Then I went back to the idea that it gives me one hell of a headache and passed at grabbing the wine.

Looking down at my "bachelorette" shopping cart and studied the contents. Catfood, precooked buffalo wings, Tums, fresheners for the cat's stinky ass (two different kinds), ranch dressing (two because I have a hard time buying just one of anything), tortilla chips, fake guacamole in a jar, sundried tomato and basil wheat thins (two boxes of course), two two liters of Diet Coke and two loafs of wheat bread.


I know you're wondering... What's with the buying things in sets of two? I don't know. I really do have a hard time buying things one at a time. I'm assuming it's just one of my obsessive/compulsive behaviors.
And noticing that living in the Pacific Northwest has changed me quite a bit I grabbed four reusable shopping bags and threw them in the cart. On this overcast Saturday I drove back home, unlocked the door and set the bags down on the floor where Rikki had to inspect them like everything that comes into his home.


I guess it's my fault my life has ended up the way it has. Is that good? Is it bad? I don't know. Next time I'm wondering why I'm such a loner I need to go look in the mirror, or do what I did tonight: walk down the empty aisles of a store on a Saturday night.

Loss

Today my good friend Maxine in SLC lost her father after a battle with cancer. It makes me so sad. Of course this brings up a lot of memories for me. Memories that are hard to deal with. Memories I thought I had buried a year ago. I got to thinking that we are definitely all alone.
Yes we have friends and yes we have family but in that final moment of being we are there with ourselves and what we've done in life. I wonder my true worth. I wonder if I have completed the things I was meant to complete.
I hope on the day of my loss that my friends and family will rejoice in the fact that I was and not in the realization that I'm no longer.
For the love of God... we really are all alone.
Much love.

Today...

I asked if I could have a personal day tomorrow. Something is very close to breaking, and I can't pinpoint why. I feel so tired. My soul feels so tired. I spend most of my day dealing with damn numbers, and tracking where damn spots are instead of what I'm supposed to be doing: producing. When it comes time to producing a spot my brain is so damn drained that I can't even fight for something I believe in.
I wonder if this is the end? Something really needs to change. Something needs to change badly before I break.
Another thing. All my galfriends are partnered up. It seems like every time I hang out with the group, I look around and I'm the loner. I'm a pretty private person, but you can be private without being alone. Marilyn and I have made a joke about Lowe's and the commercial where it says "you can find your partner at Lowe's." Sadly, it would be great if it was that easy. LOL. I made a joke back that i'm on the "no interest until 2009 plan," but in all reality it's probably worse than that.
I just don't get it. What does a woman have to offer someone to have any interest? I'm just totally at a loss. It's like ok... I have been losing weight and that's one of my big factors, but can a person be attractive without having the perfect body?
I guess not in Seattle. Oh well. I'll keep making jokes about being alone and I hope this one day will help me regroup before I cry at my desk again.
I'm lost. Real lost.