I haven't written

I apologize that I have not updated this blog for a long time. I feel odd when I call up this blog. This blog was alive when Rikki was. I don't feel right blogging on this one. I have now gone over to another one called "Between Breaths." Join me there.

RIP Rikki "Blue Eyes" Gonzales. February 1999-February 2009

The Color Quiz

ileana gonzales took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Rikki, the world's toughest cat

I'm worried about my kitty, Rikki. He is a purebred Sealpoint Siamese and he's about 10.5 years old. About a month ago he started randomly pooping outside the litter box. I figured he either hated the litter or I needed to scoop more often. I changed back to the litter he was used to and made sure to scoop at least twice a day.
I took him to the vet about a week and a half ago. She figured he was constipated and gave me some meds and put him on a special diet. I've been feeding him that and he started pooping in the litterbox again. One thing I noticed was his water fountain was drying out quicker and quicker. I have to refill the reservoir almost every day instead of every three or so days. He has been pissing like an elephant too. He started pooping outside of the litterbox night before last. I'm really afraid he might have kidney failure because it's common in cats especially Siamese which start showing signs around the age of 10.
Rikki has been the only constant in my life in the last three states I've lived in. My guy friends are afraid of him (he doesn't like men) and my gal friends say he's a little shit. Rikki is a picky cat. I know he's an asshole at times even to me. One thing I know is I would be completely crushed if I had to put him down. Wait, let me say that again. I will be a mess if I have to put him down. I don't want my kitty to die yet. I don't want him to be in pain. I don't want him to live out where something as simple as pooping makes him hurt.
I have to take him back to the vet on the 25th of October. I have to give him kitty valium an hour before I take him in so that he doesn't tear up the world when they're checking him out. I don't want to walk in to the vet's office with a scared kitty and walk out with an empty cat carrier. I am petrified to lose the only thing that is truly keeping me sane right about now.
My baby is not ready. I am not ready. We are not ready to be apart from each other. If there is or was ever a God... can you do something now because I'm about to lose all faith that I have left. :(

Opened

Tonight was a different reality. The difference between the haze and the stark is very small. Actually, for once I am quite fine with that.
Interesting.




Thanks Lob.

That Virtual Kind of Love

So back in November I was introduced to a new world in gaming land. I was introduced to Second Life, and boy has it been a blast. Basically it's like SIMS but every person you come across has a real life human being behind them. It's role play. It takes the introverted and helps them become anything they want to be. It takes the less than perfect people and allows them to become perfect in their own way. Me... it helped me find my human side again. It also helped me find out that I, indeed, still have a living, breathing heart trapped inside this frozen chest of mine.
I've found new friends. I've found great friends. I've found more of myself than I knew existed. I'm much like my avatar because ile Republic is actually in truth, ile gonzales. I speak the same, love the same, cry the same... am the same.
Drop about 60 pounds and you'll envision the way I want to be in real life. In-world I practice the things that I mean to work on. Things that I believed were gone are now returning to my soul. My comfort is now softer than a slab of marble.
In this virtual kind of love I have reinvented what I want to do with my life, and slowly but surely I'm making progress one day at a time.
Progress... it's the season's new accessory.

It's been a long time coming

Well I've lived in Seattle almost three years now. I lost my dad to liver cancer almost two years ago. I've gained nearly 23 pounds since I moved from Salt Lake City. I am completely sick of the world I live in. Actually let me say I'm sick of me. I personally need to make some changes in life.
I NEED to lose weight. It's causing havoc on the rest of my body. I used to play softball at least two nights a week and play soccer about three. Since I've moved to Seattle I've played softball once, and soccer a handful of times the end resulting with a torn tendon in my elbow. Other than that I've gone to the gym a bit, but haven't cared much about it in the past 9 months or so. I have been paying for it, but you know the old deal... too tired before work, too tired after. No time to go. Well shit... it's about damn time I make some, or I'm going to sentence myself to an early death.
I also met with my doctor on Saturday, had blood drawn (to check my thyroid issue), she doubled (yes doubled) my Paxil and ordered I get a pelvic and abdominal ultrasound after I told her of the sharp pains I've been getting near my right kidney/liver area. It scares me because my dad presented with a lot of these signs right before he was diagnosed with liver cancer. I don't want to die and I realized that in the past few months. There is so much out of life I haven't gotten. I want to go to Europe. Shit what am I saying... I want to get out of the country! I want to take the random flight to New York City to visit my friend, Jason, who i've been promising to visit for years now. I want to see the Cubs play in Wrigley while it's still there (and our company owns them). I want to be the ile that i've always wanted to be!
I know I can find some sweet woman and treat her like a princess. I feel before I think about taking on someone else into my life I must remedy the problems in my own first. I need to become more whole. I need to stop killing myself slowly.
When this time comes maybe i'll be ready to start experiencing instead of existing.
Wish me luck.

My beloved land

Returning home to NM made me realize how much I'm attracted to the world and land around me. This is where I was conceived, raised and hopefully will expire. Things in the high desert are much different than anywhere else. You can hear the sun set. You can see when the weather will come. You know when things just aren't right. Things in my beloved country are much different than they are in the rest of the world. Moving far away has helped me realize this, and at all costs... I will return here someday.
When? Who knows. Under what circumstances? Hopefully good ones, but what I've learned is I'm not in any rush to make good... bad.
Yes things have been better, but they have also been much worse. I do not look forward to that moment in which I must move miles and miles down the road, but when that time is right everything inside me will be behind my decision. One thing I am no longer afraid of is the thought of losing my job. Why fear what you don't know? If we all lived that way then none of us would leave our houses. I will work until I'm told not to and then on that day I will find something else to do.
Let it be known that fear no longer lives in the house of ile.
So be it.

Frustration Peaked

This morning I was supposed to sign a lease (which now i'm thinking... month to month) for my new place. The complex manager was all about getting me in the new place asap because she "couldn't keep a unit off the market" for even two weeks. I get a call at 9 am from the on-site manager. She always starts off her conversations with this: well i have good news and bad news.
Good news is I can start moving in as planned.
Bad news is the bathroom had sprung a leak so they had to tear up all the new carpet in the bedroom, they're re-laying the vinyl and there's still work that needs to be done on the unit. OK... I understand accidents happen, but what do the cupboard doors not being on the hinges and the faucet not being installed have to do with it? FUCK!
As if I wasn't stressed enough. So here's the deal... Rikki gets to stay in my current apartment until I get back into town on the 28th. Rikki will have nothing but his bed, my sleeping bag and his food and water to keep him company.
I just... I don't fucking get it. Have you ever met someone that just can't seem to have things go right? This is me. No matter how hard I try it seems that the shit is always stacked against me. It's frustrating. I wish there was a way out of it.
I'm sick and tired of these situations. I need to be able to live a life where things go up instead of always down.
Even when I try to be completely positive shit like this seems to happen. What in the hell did I do to the Karma police in another life to get this shit?
HEAVY SIGH.
Well I guess i'll go get dressed so I can start moving my shit into my new apartment (storage unit). FUCK!
Oh yea and that's what I found in the dining room when I got into the new place. It's not even ready to try to move into. Talk about frustrating. UGH!

My kitty helping me pack.

A long December

Last Sunday we found out that Casey Calvert of Hawthorne Heights passed away in his sleep while on tour. He's known as the screamer of the band, and a of course a guitarist. He will surely be missed.
Last night I found out an acquantance lost his wife on this past Sunday... at the age of 32. 32! I'm fuckin' 31, and not in the best shape I've ever been. I need to get more rest, exercise more and eat even better than I've been eating in my improved diet. '08 must be a year for change. God... you never know when your time is up, do ya?
My heart is with everyone that has ever lost anyone. Yes... sad, very sad.

I did it! I actually did it!

I went grocery shopping yesterday which I haven't done for about 3 weeks and I did what I have been planning to do: I broke my chain of buying things in pairs!
For those of you that don't know I have a strange desire to buy things in pairs. Two salad dressings, two boxes of cereal, two this, two that... it's just something that ile does. The only two items I bought in a pair was milk because I'll drink at least two gallons in 2 weeks and cranberry sauce because I love it and I only think to buy it this time of year. LOL.
I know it sounds stupid, but I feel victorious.

The Devil's Pill

So the latest anti-crazy drug I'm on is Paxil. Yes I've tried a lot of them. What else are you going to do when you're a major depressive? Oy!
Anyway, Paxil has got to be the worst fucking drug I have ever taken. It has to be as bad as crack! If you miss a day's dose it totally messes you up. I'm talking major dizziness, aural and visual disturbances... strange shit.
Something tells me this probably isn't any better for the illin' ile. The problem: weaning off of the drug is a painful process. You can't just quit it or half the damn thing to be weaned. You literally have to shave slivers off of it, or it will make you really sick including psychotically suicidal.
I'm guessing I missed a dose or two sometime in the last week because vertigo and I are very friendly as of late. Word to the wise: NEVER let your doctor put you on Paxil. Tragic.

Un-freakin' Believable

Ok... last night my DVD drive on my 3 1/2 month old laptop failed. I called Toshiba who I have my warranty through and they told me they didn't have a warranty on file for me. Ok I paid these people hundreds of dollars a couple of months ago. Then the guy goes, "Ohhh, there's notes here that state since your product is a "Z" re-conditioned laptop it isn't available to be under warranty. The last operator put those notes in there but STILL sold me a damn warranty. Of course I'm out of my limited warranty with Tiger Direct, so I'm completely screwed. That's another thing.
Tiger Direct. I purchased the initial laptop from them which was D.O.A. I sent it back and finally a month later they sent me the one I have now. Two months after that the fucking DVD drive dies. What the fuck!? I bought an IPOD dock with speakers and the damn thing hums when the drive spins up. I just have to conclude that with all the problems with the products and customer service that Tiger Direct will NEVER get any of my business again. They sell flawed shit that they won't even touch after it leaves their hands when there is a problem.
Son of a bitch, thanks for the customer service... assholes.

The Giants in London

Ok... I have NEVER seen such a lackluster game as the one being played between the Dolphins and my G-men in London. I mean holy crap.
It's such a trip to see the crowd too. Football crowds are crazy, but this game... the crowd is mostly sitting and the English are staring at the "normal" fans. I do believe that American football best stay in America. LOL.
Wow.
This is painful.

Revisiting an old tradition

Ok guys and gals... this weekend I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time: a social study.
I'm going to go to a thrift store, take horrible camera phone pictures of strange things and write on each of them.
Please. Comments will be appreciated. Stay tuned for Social Study Halloweener Style.

Just here

Hello everyone. I know I haven't written lately, but honestly I haven't had anything to say. When my muse comes back, i'll jump back online.

10.12.07

I had a very stark realization about myself tonight. I'm the type of person people easily forget. I was talking with some friends about how I'm always that girl in the group that has to be introduced about 5 times before someone remembers me. Why? I don't do anything crazy, obnoxious, flamboyant... I'm very non-descript. I'm the woman in the corner, the one in the shadows... I'm ile.
I can't change who I am, nor do I want to. I have friends tell me I'm a great, good, amazing, wonderful, etc person, but I'm never the one others want to get to know better. Make sense? Why? Am I too normal? Am I too depressing? What do I need to do to make myself more of a people pleaser? Will I have to wait until someone develops the brain transplant?
Maybe if I was born 2000 years in the future I would be ile, the woman you meet that one time with the beautiful body, charming smile and crowd-pleasing appeal.
Sigh. I guess it's nice to dream. Goodnight friends.
Love you.

10/07/07 A day in history

Tonight I was sitting on the chair watching the Bears beat the Packers. I lifted Rikki up (expecting to shed some blood), placed him in my lap and waited for him to do something.
He layed down against me. I was astonished. Rikki is almost 10 years old. Never has he sat in my lap and just let me pet him. Never before has he fallen asleep on my lap.
Needless to say this made me really happy. Thank God for the little things.

Reggie Rocks!

Ok the quality sucks, but Reggie was being so adorable while Rob was making the bed one night that I had to snap a picture.

Saturday Night

The other night Rob came over to drop off a package I received at work on my day off. He said something about the way he and I live. He was thinking about getting rid of his couch and just putting a recliner in his front room. Then he said that it's no wonder we're always feeling alone. Then he turned around and pointed at my living room area. Indeed what did I have? A lounge chair with an ottoman. Seating for one. Something clicked in my head at that point. Rob is right.
Tonight I didn't go out. First because I am a little under the weather, and second because I'll be going out tomorrow to watch football with the ladies. Wait. I did go out. I showered, dressed, put on make up and did my hair to go to the grocery store. On a Saturday when men and women are out enjoying fermented brew I'm hanging out in the cheese aisle of the Safeway.


I took a close look at where I was standing. Nobody was in the aisle, and I had one of those tiny shopping carts with one thing in it: buffalo wings from the deli for dinner. Walking slowly down the aisles I picked up things that I wanted or needed.
Eventually I got to the last row which is the "spirits" aisle. I contemplated buying wine that I know would give me a headache.


Well maybe I could be like coworkers or friends of mine that can go home and have a glass of wine after work. Hmm. Then I went back to the idea that it gives me one hell of a headache and passed at grabbing the wine.

Looking down at my "bachelorette" shopping cart and studied the contents. Catfood, precooked buffalo wings, Tums, fresheners for the cat's stinky ass (two different kinds), ranch dressing (two because I have a hard time buying just one of anything), tortilla chips, fake guacamole in a jar, sundried tomato and basil wheat thins (two boxes of course), two two liters of Diet Coke and two loafs of wheat bread.


I know you're wondering... What's with the buying things in sets of two? I don't know. I really do have a hard time buying things one at a time. I'm assuming it's just one of my obsessive/compulsive behaviors.
And noticing that living in the Pacific Northwest has changed me quite a bit I grabbed four reusable shopping bags and threw them in the cart. On this overcast Saturday I drove back home, unlocked the door and set the bags down on the floor where Rikki had to inspect them like everything that comes into his home.


I guess it's my fault my life has ended up the way it has. Is that good? Is it bad? I don't know. Next time I'm wondering why I'm such a loner I need to go look in the mirror, or do what I did tonight: walk down the empty aisles of a store on a Saturday night.