I haven't written

I apologize that I have not updated this blog for a long time. I feel odd when I call up this blog. This blog was alive when Rikki was. I don't feel right blogging on this one. I have now gone over to another one called "Between Breaths." Join me there.

RIP Rikki "Blue Eyes" Gonzales. February 1999-February 2009

The Color Quiz

ileana gonzales took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Rikki, the world's toughest cat

I'm worried about my kitty, Rikki. He is a purebred Sealpoint Siamese and he's about 10.5 years old. About a month ago he started randomly pooping outside the litter box. I figured he either hated the litter or I needed to scoop more often. I changed back to the litter he was used to and made sure to scoop at least twice a day.
I took him to the vet about a week and a half ago. She figured he was constipated and gave me some meds and put him on a special diet. I've been feeding him that and he started pooping in the litterbox again. One thing I noticed was his water fountain was drying out quicker and quicker. I have to refill the reservoir almost every day instead of every three or so days. He has been pissing like an elephant too. He started pooping outside of the litterbox night before last. I'm really afraid he might have kidney failure because it's common in cats especially Siamese which start showing signs around the age of 10.
Rikki has been the only constant in my life in the last three states I've lived in. My guy friends are afraid of him (he doesn't like men) and my gal friends say he's a little shit. Rikki is a picky cat. I know he's an asshole at times even to me. One thing I know is I would be completely crushed if I had to put him down. Wait, let me say that again. I will be a mess if I have to put him down. I don't want my kitty to die yet. I don't want him to be in pain. I don't want him to live out where something as simple as pooping makes him hurt.
I have to take him back to the vet on the 25th of October. I have to give him kitty valium an hour before I take him in so that he doesn't tear up the world when they're checking him out. I don't want to walk in to the vet's office with a scared kitty and walk out with an empty cat carrier. I am petrified to lose the only thing that is truly keeping me sane right about now.
My baby is not ready. I am not ready. We are not ready to be apart from each other. If there is or was ever a God... can you do something now because I'm about to lose all faith that I have left. :(

Opened

Tonight was a different reality. The difference between the haze and the stark is very small. Actually, for once I am quite fine with that.
Interesting.




Thanks Lob.

That Virtual Kind of Love

So back in November I was introduced to a new world in gaming land. I was introduced to Second Life, and boy has it been a blast. Basically it's like SIMS but every person you come across has a real life human being behind them. It's role play. It takes the introverted and helps them become anything they want to be. It takes the less than perfect people and allows them to become perfect in their own way. Me... it helped me find my human side again. It also helped me find out that I, indeed, still have a living, breathing heart trapped inside this frozen chest of mine.
I've found new friends. I've found great friends. I've found more of myself than I knew existed. I'm much like my avatar because ile Republic is actually in truth, ile gonzales. I speak the same, love the same, cry the same... am the same.
Drop about 60 pounds and you'll envision the way I want to be in real life. In-world I practice the things that I mean to work on. Things that I believed were gone are now returning to my soul. My comfort is now softer than a slab of marble.
In this virtual kind of love I have reinvented what I want to do with my life, and slowly but surely I'm making progress one day at a time.
Progress... it's the season's new accessory.

It's been a long time coming

Well I've lived in Seattle almost three years now. I lost my dad to liver cancer almost two years ago. I've gained nearly 23 pounds since I moved from Salt Lake City. I am completely sick of the world I live in. Actually let me say I'm sick of me. I personally need to make some changes in life.
I NEED to lose weight. It's causing havoc on the rest of my body. I used to play softball at least two nights a week and play soccer about three. Since I've moved to Seattle I've played softball once, and soccer a handful of times the end resulting with a torn tendon in my elbow. Other than that I've gone to the gym a bit, but haven't cared much about it in the past 9 months or so. I have been paying for it, but you know the old deal... too tired before work, too tired after. No time to go. Well shit... it's about damn time I make some, or I'm going to sentence myself to an early death.
I also met with my doctor on Saturday, had blood drawn (to check my thyroid issue), she doubled (yes doubled) my Paxil and ordered I get a pelvic and abdominal ultrasound after I told her of the sharp pains I've been getting near my right kidney/liver area. It scares me because my dad presented with a lot of these signs right before he was diagnosed with liver cancer. I don't want to die and I realized that in the past few months. There is so much out of life I haven't gotten. I want to go to Europe. Shit what am I saying... I want to get out of the country! I want to take the random flight to New York City to visit my friend, Jason, who i've been promising to visit for years now. I want to see the Cubs play in Wrigley while it's still there (and our company owns them). I want to be the ile that i've always wanted to be!
I know I can find some sweet woman and treat her like a princess. I feel before I think about taking on someone else into my life I must remedy the problems in my own first. I need to become more whole. I need to stop killing myself slowly.
When this time comes maybe i'll be ready to start experiencing instead of existing.
Wish me luck.

My beloved land

Returning home to NM made me realize how much I'm attracted to the world and land around me. This is where I was conceived, raised and hopefully will expire. Things in the high desert are much different than anywhere else. You can hear the sun set. You can see when the weather will come. You know when things just aren't right. Things in my beloved country are much different than they are in the rest of the world. Moving far away has helped me realize this, and at all costs... I will return here someday.
When? Who knows. Under what circumstances? Hopefully good ones, but what I've learned is I'm not in any rush to make good... bad.
Yes things have been better, but they have also been much worse. I do not look forward to that moment in which I must move miles and miles down the road, but when that time is right everything inside me will be behind my decision. One thing I am no longer afraid of is the thought of losing my job. Why fear what you don't know? If we all lived that way then none of us would leave our houses. I will work until I'm told not to and then on that day I will find something else to do.
Let it be known that fear no longer lives in the house of ile.
So be it.